When the Holidays Hurt

When the

Holidays Hurt

For some, this will be the first holiday without a loved one. Donna Daisy, Ph.D. has advice on coping with holiday grief.

A few years ago, I lost my mother in early December. I was devastated. The two of us were very close, and I was struggling to work my way through the normal grief that accompanies losing someone you love. How could I begin to deal with the holiday season which was already in full swing? As I talked with several of my friends about how hard the holiday season was going to be that year, I realized that I was just one of many people who had lost someone dear to them, and were trying to cope in the best way they could. One of my friends, whose husband had died in November, perfectly expressed how I felt when she said, 'I wish I could just pull the covers over my head and stay in bed until the holidays are over.'

For people who have suffered loss, it seems like the whole world is in a festive mood while all they feel is sadness and loneliness. To make matters worse, the feelings of loss and grief are often compounded by the additional stress - physical, emotional, financial that accompanies holiday activities. The result can be devastating if we don't have any strategies for coping with the holiday blues, the grief, and even depression that can seem to take over our lives.

Grief can show up in our lives in many ways. Emotionally, we may become easily agitated, suffer from anxiety, or feel excessive or inappropriate guilt. A decreased interest in activities that once brought us pleasure (including sex) may occur. Our concentration level may decline, or we may experience feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness.

The good news is that there are several helpful steps someone who's grieving can do to get through the holidays.
The Hospice Foundation of America makes the following suggestions:

•ּPlan for the approaching holidays.
The additional stress may affect you emotionally, cognitively, and physically; this is a normal reaction. Be prepared.

• Rest and get enough sleep.

• Eat a balanced, healthy diet.

• Recognize that the holidays might not be the same as before. Expecting everything to seem the same could lead to disappointment. Doing traditional events a bit differently acknowledges the change, while preserving continuity with the past.

• Be careful not to isolate yourself. It's all right to take time for yourself, but don't cut yourself off from the support of family
and friends.

• The holidays may affect other family members. Talk over your plans and share your feelings. Respect other's choices and needs, and compromise if necessary.

• Avoid additional stress. Decide what you
really want to do, and what can be avoided.

The grieving process can also affect us in physical ways with headaches, fatigue, and trouble sleeping, or sleeping too much, loss of energy; or weight gain or loss.

I've also found it helpful during the holiday season to enjoy "soul-nourishing" conversations. For example, when attending a social gathering, rather than standing around listening to the latest gossip, find one person you really like, sit down and have a heartfelt conversation. You might consider avoiding parties that leave you feeling empty inside. You don't need to defend yourself or explain your decision. Just be gracious and firm. Your "soul-care" is always a valid excuse.

Exercise also helps me. Get out and move your body. Go for a walk after a meal, take advantage of gyms and fitness centers, or take your dog for longer walks. Your body needs fresh air and sunshine just as much as food and water.

Finally, reach out to someone else who might be lonely, ill, experiencing loss, or feeling lonely during the holidays. Focusing on someone else's heart often provides a special kind of healing for your own heart.

Do your best to relax and enjoy yourself this holiday season by surrounding yourself with caring and supportive people. The holiday blues tend to be short lived and generally subside once the person's normal routine is resumed. If you should find that your feelings of sadness and grief persist beyond the holiday season and interfere with your normal functioning, consider seeking therapy to resolve your grief.

Donna Daisy, Ph.D., has spent 25 years as a therapist, life coach, and author. More recently, she has pursued research into the topic of aging consciously. Donna lives in Naples with her husband.

e Bella - December 2007