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One recent morning while walking my dog, Abby, I was so engrossed in my own concerns about my husband's health problems that I hardly noticed as my neighbor. Sylvia, approached us. I've always admired this vivacious, mentally sharp 94-year-old woman. But today, her pace was slower and her shoulders seemed to sag with the weight of her concerns. Sylvia had just lost her best friend of so years to cancer. As she approached us, the eyes that met mine were filled with sadness.
I opened my arms, and we stood in a silent embrace for a very long time. Words weren't necessary. Something more important was happening. A nourishing, healing current - every bit as powerful as an electrical current - was passing between us. After a while we spoke of her loss, but more importantly, we talked about the sense of positive energy and hope that we both drew from that hug.
Abby and I then went on to join our two-legged and four-legged friends with whom we share "doggie play time" every morning. More joy and more therapy for my stressed-out soul. When I returned home, I found myself thinking, 'What's going on here? Why do I feel so good from things as simple as an early morning hug and play time with my friends and their dogs! As it turns out, these experiences apparently tap into something researchers are starting to take very seriously the medical value of healthy relationships. Stress studies have repeatedly shown that one of the greatest buffers against stress is social support. In other words, having social needs met through interaction with others. Social support means knowing you can count on others for help, feeling cared about and valued by others and having others who will freely listen to you.
Many of us come up short when we count the number of warm, supportive people in our lives. Whether we tend to lack meaningful relationships because we're caught up in the busy world of work or losing friends, family members and other loved ones as we grow older, it's easy to experience the feelings of isolation that can be detrimental to our health.
In his book, Emotional Intelligence, author Daniel Goleman reports: "Studies done over two decades involving more than thirty-seven thousand people show that social isolation, the sense that you have nobody with whom you can share your private feelings or have close contact, doubles the chances of sickness or death. Isolation is as significant to mortality as smoking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, obesity, and lack of physical exercise."
Dr. James Lynch, a well known researcher in the field of social support, sums up his results by determining that "the mandate to 'love your neighbor as you love yourself' is not just a moral mandate. It is a physiological mandate. Caring is biological. One thing you get from caring for others is that you are not lonely; and the more connected you are to life, the healthier you are."
The bottom line is that we now know that good health is associated with having meaningful relationships and a sense of community We can all benefit from these studies by finding ways to valuate and strengthen our social support networks. We can all experience the power of having friends, wanting to spend time together, being involved in each others lives, and supporting each other in good times and bad.
I'm personally grateful, probably healthier, and very fortunate to be a part of a community with these values.
CIRCLE OF SUPPORT
These five questions will help you identify the social support already in place in your life and identify areas where you can enlarge your circle of support.
- Who are the people who listen to me, support me, energize me?
- How often do I engage with each of them in a quality way?
- Do I have unhealthy, energy draining relationships in my life that I need to get rid of? Which ones?
- Am I spending too much time with people who are not very important to me, or who don't feed my soul? Who are they and what will I do differently?
5. Are there people I want to start including in my support network?
Now start taking action! By creating ways to develop deeper and more meaningful relationships with the people you've identified/ you can be not only healthier/ but happier.
Editors note: if you would like to share your stories about the value of social support in your life, please contact us at editor@ebellamag.com.
Donna Daisy, Ph.D., has spent 25 years as a therapist, life coach, and author. More recently, she has pursued research into the topic of aging consciously. Donna lives in Naples with her husband.
